Daddy's Gone

You left me, Daddy.
You left me for good this time.
You screamed at me, yelled at me.
I was sitting on the floor, crying,
Apologizing, begging you,
“Please, please don’t be mad at me!  Please, Daddy!”
You wanted to hit me, hurt me.
I could see it in Your eyes.
You raised your hand to me, snarled—
You almost did, but You stopped Yourself.
Then You cried.
Sat down next to me, and cried.
I was scared, Daddy.
So I yelled back.

How am I supposed to do my homework now,
When You’re not there to put me in Your lap, guide me,
Take my pencil from my hand and kiss my neck,
Tell me that I’m doing a good job?
How am I supposed to get dressed every morning,
When You’re not there pulling my hair into pigtails,
Picking out my clothes,
Slipping ruffled panties onto my bottom?
How am I supposed to live now, Daddy,
When You’re not there to hold me at night,
Cuddle me, whisper to me, sooth me,
Rock me to sleep,
Tell me that You love me, that I’m such a good girl, after making me feel good inside?
You always knew how to make me fall asleep when I was restless.
You always knew how to make me happy.

How can I do anything now, Daddy,
You’ve left me all alone,
When You know that I have no one other than You.
My mom hates me.
My grandma hates me.
And my dad’s been gone for so long…
They never gave me life, Daddy.
They never gave me anything.
But You were always there for me, Daddy.
You were always there when I needed you.
Now you leave me with nothing,
Bring me up just to push me on the ground,
Kick me and stomp me into the dirt.
I never thought that You would be the one to do that to me, Daddy.
I never thought You would.

You know, I sometimes didn’t want You there, Daddy.
I sometimes wanted to get away from You.
You’re controlling, selfish…
I could never run from You when I wanted to.
You always kept me locked up, kept me in chains,
Told me that it was right for me,
Told me that one day, You’d let me go to fly,
You’d repair my wings, send me off to the sky.
You’re a mean Daddy,
A jealous Daddy,
An asshole of a Daddy,
A protective Daddy…
And You always knew what was right for me.

When I needed You, You sat with me,
Held my head to Your chest,
Combed Your fingers through my hair.
You read me to sleep at night,
Motivated me to move on,
Kept me in line when I needed to be kept there.
You are firm, but soft.
You are mean, but nice.
You are selfish, but the most selfless person that I’ve ever met.
You love me even when I disobey You,
Even when I hurt You.
You changed me, Daddy,
You’ve made me grow.

So why have You left me now, Daddy?
Why did You leave me?
You waited all this time to just get up,
Push me away,
Pack Your things and tell me that this time, it’s real,
That if I haven’t learned yet, I better “grow the fuck up,
Stop playing these games,
Learn to be obedient for once,
You’re the worst that I’ve ever had.”
You hurt me, Daddy…
I’m sad now.
I’m cold now.
I’m mad now.
I can’t breathe anymore, Daddy;
I’m suffocating without Your hands around my neck.
I can’t sleep anymore, Daddy;
I’m suffocating without Your arms wrapped around my waist.
I can’t live anymore, Daddy;
I’m suffocating when I’m not in Your embrace.

It’s so strange to be left alone, Daddy.
I haven’t been alone for so long.
You saved me when you took me in.
You saved me when you loved me, Daddy.
And You always told me that You might, that You would leave me all alone if I was a bad girl,
But You never did.
You told me that You could never leave Your little girl, never.
That she’s much too special to You,
Then You kissed my forehead, told me that I was so beautiful.
You told me that You couldn’t leave such an innocent little girl all by herself.
So why did You leave me all alone?
Why did You have to go and to that to me?

My heart hurts, Daddy.
It hurts.
I don’t know why, Daddy, but it hurts now that You left me.
I’m sorry, Daddy, for being bad.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
A million times, please believe me, Daddy.
I didn’t mean to disobey You,
I didn’t mean to breach Your trust,
I didn’t mean to be a bad girl,
I didn’t mean to hurt You.
Please forgive me, Daddy.  Please.
Please…let me come back to You.